If Only I Had It

It has been a long time since I have spoken about Christianity. In fact these days I have lost all hope of even thinking myself as a Christian. In the last 5 months I have nearly lost all of my life savings and even tried committing suicide once. All these due to a stroke of bad luck. Bad luck in business can be so depressing. I am even down to my last dollar that I am not so sure how I am going to maintain this blog for any longer.

Speaking to so many Christians in my family they have always told me to look forward and talk to Christ and he will give me all the answers. But I do remember when I was going for Bible Study when I was younger that many Bible verses did mention that God can only help those who help themselves first. I have tried helping myself for the past five months and still to no avail. I am looking for a permanent long term job and no one dares to hire me due to my experience and the type of Salary I was receiving prior to my downfall. I am not asking for much now but still no replies.

Can God help me ? I am not so sure. I tried helping myself but the outcome is not so good. What else can I do. I prayed and still pray all the time for a miracle to happen. Just give me a job God please and let me look after my family as what a husband/son/brother/uncle is supposed to do. How am I supposed to face my wife and family day after day and cant even afford to feed myself that my retired mom has to take me out for lunch everyday.

Do you have to see me cry everynight before I go to sleep sometimes I even cry so badly in my heart that I just fall asleep sad.  Is there such a thing as Christian finance where other Christians are supposed to come together and help a fellow Christian up from his knees. This is all talk as far as I see it. No one seems to be helping me except my family yet how far can they go. I lost my car today because I could not pay the finance company its installment. How am I supposed to go to work now if I get a job.

God you work in mysterious ways what are you trying to tell me. When I was rich I gave you everything, I gave your people nearly everything. Am I supposed to live as a pauper today because of what I have done. Am I loosing my faith. Or have I lost my faith. I pray to you O Lord help me solve my problems, help me get a job that will allow me to praise your name, help me to sing to the skies and daily shout your name with joy O Lord. If not please do take me now and not let me suffer no more.